Christaholley's Blog

If You Only Knew

Click of a button March 13, 2010

Filed under: life,Random Box,things that stress — christaholley @ 10:59 am
Tags: , , ,

Picture this, you’re fifteen, going on sixteen and you meet this guy and when he smiles at you, your insides do a little fluttery flop. You like him and he likes you too. What do you do? You take a chance, your first real chance with a guy that gives you butterflies in your tummy. He is fun and great, he makes you laugh and smile, he gets you.

Things get serious, and you’re really falling for him but there is a catch. Your family doesn’t really like him, he’s too. . . they don’t know what it is but they have mixed feelings. you keep it in mind but continue on with him anyway, things are great things are wonderful then, there comes a day when he stops calling. You wait and you wait, day after day, nothing.

Finally you text him, no answer.

You call, no response.

what do you do then? At sixteen you cry your eyes out, and shrug it off, it’s his loss. But inside you wonder; what did I do? Did I do anything? What is wrong with me?

After all the things you from your family because of him he can’t even call and tell you it isn’t working out? At that age you’re thinking fine forget him, and you never do.

So, when he call you several years down the road, like an idiot you let him back in. There are still the butterflies and he is still as cute and charming and everything you remember. Senses become clouded, everything you’ve learned goes out the window when he says your name.

“Just one more chance,” your heart whispers and you listen to it.

Things are great they are wonderful, so, why a few months down the road does he stop calling again. Doesn’t he love you? You love him. How can he be so heartless.

It becomes a fight not to let bitterness overtake you, not all men are the same you have to tell yourself time and time again. You have to pick up the pieces and move on, eventually you do.

Then, here he comes again, a year down the road. Seeing his face is like a punch in the stomach, a kick where it hearts the most, your heart. He tries tom come back into your life. What do you do?

Do you click the accept button or delete?

Advertisements
 

“Black” March 11, 2010

Filed under: life,Random Box,things that stress,writing — christaholley @ 8:50 am
Tags: , ,

Yes there is a difference in the way different ethnicities interrupt Standard English, we have our little add ons and additions that come from a cultural background and upbringing. But there is something I don’t understand. “what is talking black?” and what is “talking white?” can someone explain this to me. I’ve heard it for as long as I can remember but when I ask, no one knows how to explain it. Very annoying.

It’s in the middle of midterm season for me so I haven’t been writing everyday like I said I would but, if I don’t make the grade then I’ll be in a deep hole with dirt over my head. I sent in my application for nursing school so I can’t afford to grade drop now. But this one little thing happen in my English class that I felt the need to document. As our Midterm exam we had to write a single space, four page paper in class on the differences of “black english” from “white” This covered from writing styles to Ebonics to the history of why black people write the way they do. By the time I was finished writing this paper and listening to my teacher trying to help us write our paper I really wanted to curse at them. But that wouldn’t have been polite and he does hold my grade in his hand. But now I kind of feel guilty maybe I should have gone to the dean. He didn’t have a right, or I feel he didn’t have a right to speak like that or ask those questions. Yes black people have a certain way of talking but so do other cultures, what sets “Black English” away from everything else that there is a need to single it out. What made my professor think he could ask us, us as a group, as African-Americans minus two, including my professor, why we talk the way we do. . .it was very uncalled for. We could ask him why he wears the same clothes every day or every other day, we could ask him if his wife lets him walk out the house like that. But we don’t because that would be rude and disrespectful, the same can be said for what he just ask us. Some questions shouldn’t be ask aloud they should be pondered upon and ask to a really go friend, not your students.

Maybe I overreacted, maybe I didn’t but he did push a button with me. If he keeps pushing it he might not like the reaction he might get one day.

 

Acceptance March 8, 2010

Filed under: life,Random Box — christaholley @ 10:53 am
Tags:

I have nothing to write about today but I decided to get into practice of it, that means no missing days. A couple of hours ago I decided that if i’m going to blog. I might as well go full out and leave nothing off limits and explore everything of my life and my small world and things that I can grasp beyond it.

Still I sit here with no topic in mind, does that make me a boring person? To routine to have anything interesting to say. Sad thing is, probably, I’m the boring twin. I’m the safe one, the one who that is very compliant and a little to much of a people pleaser, the one that also just can’t seem to keep her mouth shut. I’m the sarcastic one with the dry sense of humor. It’s who I am. Would changing myself make me any more interesting? Why do people change themselves any way. For acceptance? because they can? Why are some people so close minded to not just accept someone for who they are?

I guess my question for the night is why should a beautiful person change to fit in with the ugly standards and criteria our society sets? People are saying that acceptance has gotten better and tolerance is getting better. That might be true but I think we are not changing fast enough, not to avoid the disaster I fear one day will happen. We as a people might be changing little by little but our world is changing second by second. And yes while we might say that some time I find it hard believe when I’ve seen a girl spit on and yell at because she chooses to wear black clothes and a lot of eye liner and pale make up. She wasn’t emo or Goth, she just like the style.

I’ve seen boys taunted and teased to the point of committing suicide because they couldn’t handle it all. Isn’t it saying something when a fourteen fifteen year old child would rather die than go on living because people chose to make his life a living hell. Adolescence is trying enough without the extra pressure of hiding who you are.

People say they are changing but I find myself doubting sometimes, a lot of times. Being a biracial child I have gotten the best and the worst of both worlds. I’ve been teased, taunted, called names from both sides. One moment that sticks out was actually a couple of months ago when my ex was having a graduation party. Pool party actually with only a couple of his friends. I’m sitting there eating and his grandmother is staring at me, and I do mean staring. I wasn’t the only girl there so I knew that wasn’t it. Then she does the oddest thing, while I’m eating she gets up and runs her fingers through my hair.

“Oh,” She says “You have that kind of hair.” Not only was that a violation of personal space it was also a clear dismissal. I would have happily told her I was only half white but she didn’t give me a chance. After that she just watched me like I had deceived her and his parents forbid him from dating me. We went out anyway and I found out quickly no matter how he tried to hid it, he was a bit of a raciest himself. He might not have been conscious of it but, he was. This is just one of may instances where narrow mindedness has come into play.

I’m just waiting for the day when the barriers will come down and everyone will finally say enough is enough. We don’t care if you are this or that, we don’t care if you are gay straight or a little bit curved. As long as you keep it legal it should be alright. I guess I’m just waiting for a day when everyone can find acceptance.

 

Following my heart. March 7, 2010

Filed under: family,life,writing — christaholley @ 1:21 am
Tags: ,

I got a piece of advice that I’m not sure I’m bold enough to follow. Someone today told me to follow my heart. I don’t know what that means anymore. I just don’t, in so many direction am I pulled. To follow my heart would mean giving up on so many things, to take a chance on to many things, I always thought I was brave but am I brave enough to take a leap of faith.

Years have been pulled here and told to sit down there. I rarely oppose anything my family wants me to do unless it’s just too much. I’ve known my path since I was four years old. I was told the university I would attend, I was allowed to pick my major until I actually got my let of acceptance. Everything changed after that, I love the field and I’m sure I’ll do well but I just wish I had a choice. People say that they choices, I use to think I did but after my Dad passed away I think all those options flew out the window. My mom is a wonderful woman strict but I couldn’t speak a bad word toward her, ever. She never complains and does what she has to with her head held high and I know that is the kind of person I want to be. She didn’t fall to pieces when the love, her only love died, she carried on even though she looked so fragile while she did it. She never cracked or broke, she was strong, I know there will be a time when I have to be strong for her. I know that one day I will be her caregiver and not the other way around. How can I give my mother, my sister what they deserve when I don’t know where I’m going. I know what I want but who knows how long it will take till I get there. That’s scary part of the adventure I guess.

I will follow my heart, but I have to think it through first. I will be smart about this. I will think things through and not jump head first into what I want. I can do both, I can make my family happy and follow my heart. I can please them and myself, I can do all things through Christ.

I will do both, I will become a woman who can take care of her family and one who can please herself. I don’t think that’s greedy to want both, I just hope I can have them both. I want them both but I also don’t want to end up with a bleeding heart.

 

Driving Emotions March 6, 2010

Filed under: life,Random Box,things that stress — christaholley @ 11:50 am
Tags: , , , , ,

Fear, hunger, power, wrath, vengeance. . . all these emotions, these feelings are enough to drive a man alone. Enough to take over the senses for however long needed to quench that need. Fear so does make a run. Hunger drives men to desperations. Power, the hunger to make others fear you enough to bend to your will. wrath, something to be feared for it is a raging hunger that will only be sated with power. Vengeance, a need so great that one would take heed to fear his own mind, for the hunger that rides him for power to quench his wrath will be swift and brutal or cold and merciless, neither will give a lasting satisfaction. I’ve thought about this, these five emotions that can so quickly become needs. These things that will give themselves life in a heartbeat if your mind will let them uncover themselves for a moment, that is all it takes. We’ve all felt one of these five emotions, we’ve all felt the whip they but at out back and the burning they kept in out belly. At one point we all have but, I have a question. . . are any of these a good enough excuse to kill?

 I’ve heard fear speak when a killer says there was no other way. Is that what we do? When there is no way out, we kill?

What about hunger, you wanted something someone else had. Where is the sense in killing someone for what they have. I don’t know about you but I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t gladly part with their car or money in exchange for their life and that of their family. Nothing is more important than life but envy and selfishness seem to have forgotten that little detail when they saw it’s new shoes.

 Power. . . no man born of a woman deserves to have control over another. Does have say so over someone make them any less human, I think not. That means they will make mistakes, they can be corrupted just like the average man. The only think different about them it they have the ‘power’ to say different. If someone defies that power, it’s funny who quick it is silenced and squelched till you wonder if the whisper had even been there.

Wrath, an emotion swift cold then it burns hot. Something that can be so fast and quick but can also burn in someone for a life time. Because another person disagrees with your opinions and what you say, is that reason enough to kill them? I don’t believe so but it is become oh so common. For what? Who will listen to your opinion when they are dead? I think the dead can find something more interesting to do than listen to a complaining breathing human. They probably shake their heads before they fly away, I bet they feel sorry for the living.

Vengeance, isn’t it said. “vengeance is best served cold.” That takes time and planning, for days weeks, years. Your thoughts will be consumed by nothing else but this. It’s enough to eat away one’s mind. If someone just so happens to get one over on you is that reason enough to end their life? Sure they made a little bit of a fool of you, have a sense of humor you’ll find it’s easier to laugh your way through life than hacking through it. so they make a they make you look a little silly, is that a reason to make them stop breathing? I just don’t know what people think anymore. I don’t.

 If you think that death is the easy answer for your problems you are wrong. Forever will a ghost ride your coat tail, they might be gone but the memory will remain. How do you fight that, you can’t fight a memory. You can’t kill something twice.

 

Just Plain Odd March 5, 2010

Filed under: life,Random Box — christaholley @ 11:59 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

I had the weirdest dream, it was funny and made me smile but made absolutly no sense.

I’m standing in my living room in a white wedding dress, my family and I do mean my whole family surrounding me. It was pretty and my face had make up, something I don’t do. My sister was there, my mom was crying. I was so confused, here I as standing in front of them and they know something I don’t.

Then someone opens the door which is located right outside the living room before you reach the staircase. I hear a bark and next thing I know my puppy is out the door and down the street and before I think I’m chasing after her down the wet street too. I’m running down the street with bare feet and the most beautiful wedding dress I’ve ever seen, my hair is coming undone and getting wet and I still run after my puppy. It’s the weirdest thing, I’m not upset that my stupid self ran out into the ran I’m happy I did it. I’m happy that I’m ruining the most beautiful thing I’ve ever put on. I’m excited to get my hair wet and run down the street barefoot like when I was a child. I couldn’t care less that the make up was being washed off my face. I’d never felt freer as I watched myself run down the street to where I don’t know. Before I could get to that part I had “Some one like you!” ringing in my ear. My alarm clock had the worst timing.

It was the first dream I’ve remembered in a while. I hope I remember more, cause I know they just keep getting weirder. But if you know how to interpret dreams please take a crack at mine.

 

P.O. March 4, 2010

Filed under: friends,life,Random Box — christaholley @ 6:49 am
Tags: , , , ,

It’s been a while and I guess the only reason I started back writing is because I’m upset- no, I’m not upset I’m pissed. I’m so frustrated and pissed off and have no where to go except to the police and I don’t want to do that. I just didn’t think every thing would turn out this bad. I didn’t think he would be this horrible. I mean he broke up with me after all, he has a girl friend. I meant next to nothing to him, he told me so himself. So. . . why wouldn’t he leave me alone? Why me?

Is it because I said okay a tried to pick up the pieces and was actually there? what is it about me being happy that he can’t stand? I think I’ll write a story about it one day.

*sigh*

It went something like this. Me and Jason (my best friend) decided to go to the mall, this is a big thing for me, I hate shopping but he loves it. Plus he promise to buy me the book I’ve been lusting after for months. It was a win win situation. Or so I thought until I saw him, or he saw me I’m not sure who saw who first.

Jason was handing me my book after just paying for it and my ex walks in. My stomach I swear drops.

He has his girlfriend and everything, when he saw me I don’t know what happen. I didn’t even have time to run and drag Jason with me before he pounced asking twenty one plus a million questions. they started off nice, what am I doing with my life. Innocent things, then they got more intursive, do I have a boyfriend stuff like that.  Then Jason did the worst thing, he put his hand on my arm trying to drag me away and I’m walking awaywith him, trying not to run. My ex has no idea that Jason is my best friend and not more. . .

Any way, he says the one thing that started it all. We were walking away toward the exit as fast as we could when he said. “have you f***ed her yet?!” I swear in front of the people in Borders Books, yelling for everyone to hear he is yelling at the top of his lungs. “she wouldn’t let me, what the f*** are you doing different. It‘s because I‘m white isn‘t it ?!?”

Now I’m dragging Jason out the store and my ex is running to greet us and his girlfriend is just standing there with a blank look on her face like everyone else in the store. When I finally get Jason to run instead of going and trying to throw punches he is walking after us yelling at us about me! WTF!?!?

I’m nothing special, not to him anyway. I’m trying to move on with my life but he won’t let me. I’m tired and frustrated and a little scared, he was the biggest mistake of my life. One that I will never make again.

I swear I broke down two times before we made it back to school. I don’t cry, not over things like this but. . . I didn’t know what else I could do.