Christaholley's Blog

If You Only Knew

Following my heart. March 7, 2010

Filed under: family,life,writing — christaholley @ 1:21 am
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I got a piece of advice that I’m not sure I’m bold enough to follow. Someone today told me to follow my heart. I don’t know what that means anymore. I just don’t, in so many direction am I pulled. To follow my heart would mean giving up on so many things, to take a chance on to many things, I always thought I was brave but am I brave enough to take a leap of faith.

Years have been pulled here and told to sit down there. I rarely oppose anything my family wants me to do unless it’s just too much. I’ve known my path since I was four years old. I was told the university I would attend, I was allowed to pick my major until I actually got my let of acceptance. Everything changed after that, I love the field and I’m sure I’ll do well but I just wish I had a choice. People say that they choices, I use to think I did but after my Dad passed away I think all those options flew out the window. My mom is a wonderful woman strict but I couldn’t speak a bad word toward her, ever. She never complains and does what she has to with her head held high and I know that is the kind of person I want to be. She didn’t fall to pieces when the love, her only love died, she carried on even though she looked so fragile while she did it. She never cracked or broke, she was strong, I know there will be a time when I have to be strong for her. I know that one day I will be her caregiver and not the other way around. How can I give my mother, my sister what they deserve when I don’t know where I’m going. I know what I want but who knows how long it will take till I get there. That’s scary part of the adventure I guess.

I will follow my heart, but I have to think it through first. I will be smart about this. I will think things through and not jump head first into what I want. I can do both, I can make my family happy and follow my heart. I can please them and myself, I can do all things through Christ.

I will do both, I will become a woman who can take care of her family and one who can please herself. I don’t think that’s greedy to want both, I just hope I can have them both. I want them both but I also don’t want to end up with a bleeding heart.

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